To prove his point, Runkel shared the following example: “I speak a lot at churches and to religious groups. One of the primary concerns of any faith community is training their children to love and honor God. For most people of faith, that is the number-one goal of parenting. Thus they are a little put off when I assert that this is actually not their most important goal ...  launching their children into a self-directed adulthood is far more important.”[i]

“Why?” Runkel asked. “Because if your child is not a self-directed adult, then whatever faith he does develop will not truly be his own. He cannot authentically choose to follow God if he cannot choose, on his own, to follow God. Such a faith would be a borrowed faith at best, one that is still seeking to appease or please others.”

I don’t want my daughters to borrow my beliefs at the expense of developing their own. What I want is for them to know where I stand and that I will love them no matter how far apart we are on a given issue. I guess that’s why I reminded both girls that judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful and decided to leave it at that.[ii]

This warning from James 2:13 offers sound advice for, not just parents, but all people to follow. Maybe that’s why God gives us so many chances to practice what Jesus preached—because He wants us to master verses like this one that have the power to mend countless relationships today. My next opportunity came later that evening when I opened the door to our garage and noticed that a light was still on in the van.

My initial reaction was anger as I thought about all the other times Katie forgot to turn her reading light off before climbing out of the vehicle. I was about to unleash that anger when the Spirit stopped me midway up the stairs to whisper: “Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.”

As soon as these words came to mind I realized that, like Hollie, I had the chance to cover over Katie’s offense and decided to discipline her instead. If love covers all wrongs, why are we so determined to point them out in others? Could it be that, by calling attention to another person's mistakes, we take the focus off our own?

Advice is the one gift that must be used before it can be passed on to others; and if we want our children to show mercy toward their siblings, we must be willing to extend it ourselves. That’s what I did as I checked my irritation at the door of Katie’s room and calmly stated: “I just looked in the garage and you left your reading light on in the van.”

“I thought I turned it off.”

“It was on,” I assured her without raising my voice.

Katie was silent as I sat down on the bed to offer, not a reprimand, but this reminder instead: “Last time you left a light on, we had to get a new battery; but I’ll show mercy on you this time if you'll try not to do it again.”

I don’t know who was more relieved when I gave my daughter a kiss instead of a consequence. What I do know is that Hal Runkel was right when he said: “the greatest factor in your children’s growth process is your own continued growth as a parent.”[iii] The best lessons really are caught, not taught, as we learn from what we live through and give our children freedom to do the same. Only then will we see that a good example is never a waste of energy if it lights the way for someone else to follow.

Verses to Heed on Showing Mercy:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

Luke 6:37

“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”

Matthew 5:7

Verses to Heed on Leading by Example:

“if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

Genesis 4:7

“Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”

1 Corinthians 11:1

Quotes To Grow On:

Every interaction with our children, every tiny conversation and every huge argument, carries the potential for everyone’s growth.

Hal Edward Runkel, ScreamFree Parenting, p. 47

Once you turn the focus inward, you always learn more about yourself than you want to know. Like how easily you allow access to your emotional buttons, hoping others “just don't go there.” Or how much you've been trying to teach your children lessons you have yet to learn yourself. Turning your attention to yourself is not a self-indulgent journey. On the contrary, it is all about discovering where you still need to grow. ... that’s what becoming Screamfree is all about—opening your eyes to your own continued maturity so you can lead your kids toward theirs.

Hal Edward Runkel, ScreamFree Parenting, p. 22